I want to stress before I start that I really wasn't fussed about seeing The Three Musketeers but I did so for two reasons. 1) It was pretty much the only thing out I didn't mind going to see, everything else I'd either seen or didn't want to see at all. 2) Orlando Bloom.
With that said I think it's best we move swiftly on. The plot is... well rather convoluted if you ask me, but you haven't yet so I'll just tell you the synopsis. *Here is where I google the synopsis because the movie made so little sense and was so boring that I completely forgot in less than a week what the hell it was about* The Three Musketeers, Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Aramis (Luke Evans) and Porthos (Ray Stevenson) are down on their luck after being sold out and betrayed by Athos' lover Milady (Milla Jovovich) to the dastardly Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom). They get their mojo back when young upstart D'Artagnan (Logan Lerman) joins their worthy cause and they go on a mission to help the Queen of France get back some stolen jewels.
Sound boring? That's because it was. So much so that one of my friends fell asleep! Had I not been so bored myself I might have noticed this, and laughed at her. Maybe placed her hand in a drink or taken funny pictures of her asleep in 3D glasses. Any of that would have been infinitely more entertaining than this film.
My cinema buddy saw the film without me and told me that it felt like a badly made TV production. I should have listened to him as he wasn't far off the mark. Where do I start? Athos, supposedly the stud of the group is played by Matthew Macfadyen. No offense to Mr Macfadyen but I will never understand why he keeps getting these types of roles, Darcy, Athos, even The Sheriff of Nottingham, he's not attractive. And he doesn't even have that 'not attractive but still sexy' quality about him. His constant sulky expression could turn milk sour. Luke Evans was more likeable/watchable/sexy in his portrayal of Aramis and Ray Stevenson's Porthos was as jolly and fun as you'd expect. D'Artagnan on the other hand was just annoying and Logan Lerman seemed entirely mis-cast in this role.
Christoph Waltz was his usual self, making good of an average at best/crappy at worst film. Orlando Bloom hammed up proceedings brilliantly and showed why Pirates lacked without him. Final note on the cast, what was with Milla Jovovich's teeth? Were they fake? Coz she looked a bit like a horse and seemed like she was having trouble speaking with them in?
I mean seriously? Look at the photo of her having her make-up touched up on set. She can't even close her mouth! Ridiculous!
Talking of ridiculous, don't get me started on the plot, and the holes that lie within. The main thing about a musketeers movie is surely the sword fights right? Apparently it's all about the airships?? Wha-? The sword fights incidently are quite instantly forgettable. Just like the rest of the film. Oh, if you've not seen the trailer I should tell you that the film was 'shot exclusively in 3D'. It really didn't need to be.
Avoid. And if my review came too late and you already saw the film, I can only apologise. 5* out of 10.
*It's really a 4 but it gets an extra point for Orlando and his amazing hair! :0)
Viewing Date - 16th October 2011
UK Release Date - 12th October 2011
Cast Overview:
Matthew Macfadyen ~ Athos
Luke Evans ~ Aramis
Ray Stevenson ~ Porthos
Logan Lerman ~ D'Artagnan
Orlando Bloom ~ Duke of Buckingham
Milla Jovovich ~ Milady de Winter
Christoph Waltz ~ Cardinel Richelieu
Mads Mikkelsen ~ Rochefort
Freddie Fox ~ King Louis XIII of France
Juno Temple ~ Queen of France
James Corden ~ Planchet
Gabriella Wilde ~ Constance
Director ~ Paul W S Anderson
Writer(s) ~ Alex Litvak (Screenplay), Andrew Davies (Screenplay) and Alexandre Dumas (Novel "Les Trois Mousquetaires")
It spits on Alexandre Dumas' grave, it's over the top, ludicrous, stupid, ham and cheesy and confusing but it's a guilty pleasure and I was entertained. Good review. Check out mine when you get a chance.
ReplyDeleteHi Dan, thanks for your comment. No, really! You don't know what it means to see a comment, let alone from someone who doesn't know me. No-one has commented on a post of mine for so long that I was beginning to wonder if anyone was still reading them? I have checked out your blog and am most impressed. Only 17. Wish I was 17 again. ;0)
ReplyDelete